a letter to my neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

You are a nice lady.  You have adorable pets and you keep your balcony clean.  And, hey, love those petunias growing in your flower boxes.

But, seriously, we need to talk.  And set some ground rules.

1) Please don’t pound down my door at 9 pm and expect an immediate response.  I am sitting on my couch watching Extreme Couponing and eating leftover Easter candy in my pajamas.  There may or may not be a scrunchie in my hair.  You see, I’m not expecting drop-ins because this isn’t a sorority, and I’m not your “Big.” You have my phone number AND my email address.  Please use one of those first.

Furthermore, don’t knock with that amount of force unless you or your cat or your house is on fire.  Rapid-fire rapping is not suitable for anything other than emergencies.  And ice cream truck alerts.

2) When I show up at your front door five minutes later in my running shorts and “Freddy Say Relax” t-shirt to see if you are indeed engulfed in flames, don’t act surprised to see me.  I saw you through the peep hole in my door.  I know it was you knocking like a maniac.  Please just tell me what the emergency is.

3) Do your best to hide your surprise at the WTF look on my face when you tell me that you were interrupting my evening to ask if I’ll water your plants while you’re on vacation.  And don’t be offended when I drop the set of house keys you gave me after you tell me that you’ve been battling a nasty case of pink eye.  I am going to kick the keys back to my condo, sanitize them, and then quarantine them.  I don’t care if you think the antibiotics are finally kicking in and that you’re “probably” no longer contagious. My Memorial Day plans do not include slapping antibiotic goo on my eyes like spackle.

And, please, always remember that good fences make good neighbors and spreading highly-contagious infections make angry, noisy neighbors.




One response

  1. Pingback: alton brown’s “the chewy” |

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